Just Paint

I went on Facebook this morning.  Occasionally on some easy going mornings I look up old boyfriends and see what they are up to, etc.  You know you do it too, even if you are too embarrassed to admit it.  But, as my friend Vivian would say 'there's no shame to my game' ... so I just say it.. sometimes I do.  I guess when we're not attached or not even seeing anyone for some good times, maybe we want to make ourselves feel better when we can confirm that our exes are still the losers we thought they were when things fell to pieces.

Well, this morning when I looked up D he had changed his profile photo.  The new photo sports a picture of a really cute blond next to him.. they are laughing over some drinks.  The picture is slightly blurry but I can still make out the happiness.  So, for some reason I felt the need to further investigate the situation.  I mean seriously, he was such a jackass, I can't imagine he would be seeing someone else in such a way to post their pic as part of his profile.  I mean, who is this person?  So I clicked on this woman's name to go to her page and.. well... it was a mistake.  Not only does she have this pic but lot's more - and some not so blurry.. especially the one with his arm around her and their hands locking.

I guess the life lesson from this is to not go snooping around unless you are really ready for what you might find.  I really didn't prepare myself for this and even though it's been 2 years since we broke up...  I haven't completely gotten over him - or at least what we had.  I don't think I really miss him anymore just the feeling of being attached.  While we were together, he bought a house... I helped pick the colors and paint the interior.  We picked the furniture together... including a chair that we would both fit in for snuggling and watching movies and just plain chillin.  We made plans for the master suite.  I leant him $$ for his closing costs which I couldn't afford and I will never see again but he wouldn't have been able to buy the house without it.  That was my other life lesson.  Don't give folks $ if you expect to get it back.  You can't expect it.  Just give to give and don't look back.

Anyway, I felt that my life was all set and .. well.. I guess it really wasn't then but I guess it actually is.  It's just set for being ... which is okay but for a small second of life.. I thought things would be different.   I like the connection people have with each other and I miss being connected.

So, I write on this blog this morning as a diary.  Just to get off my chest the sadness the wept through my body this morning.  I think I'll paint my living room in order to finally put the past to the past.  I mean this joint has been mine for over a year now and it still looks like the place of my old subletters. So I think I'll start with paint.